I should have locked myself in the janitors closet for valentines day. Being adventurous, I decided to patrol the shopping center instead, and purchase all the valentines goody for myself one store at a time. I'm such a genius i proclaimed to myself. Once i leave the store i'll buy every card, chocolate and flowers the store have in stock. Leaving the non-single folks with nothing, but dried cactus for their valentine sweetheart. I was the grinch of all valentines, and imagined thousands of relationship going downhill because one of the person in the relationship bought the other a dozen of poison ivy because it was the only thing close to a rose available in the store.
I stopped by walgreens to pick up apack of wrigleys gum. Leaving the store, i left a quarter on the cashiers table and walked out. Excuse me sir, she yelped at me to come back to the cash register. Before she scanned my gum, she asked for my phone number and i was willing to give it out in a confident voice. Your total is 30 cents, at this point i was really confused. Wrigleys gum were always a quarter since the dinosaurs age, i struggled to find a nickel in my pocket to conclude my purchase. Walking out the door, i was screaming el senorita in my head. A hot Latino girl at the register just asked for my number at the register. I must be the sexiest guy that ever took a step in walgreens.
My next destination was the shopping mall. Walking through the mall, i see tons of hallmark advertisement saying you should get your lover this and that. I couldn't take seeing it anymore, and planned to mess with the security guard so i would get pepper-sprayed in the eye which would solve my problem of seeing the stupid ads. Although this would only solve my problem temporarily, once I wash the spices out of my eye, I would see the horrible ads again. I made my next purchase at Sams goody, and bought several dvds to keep me company for the rest of the night. Before the blonde chick scanned my dvds at the register she asked for my phone number, before she rang up my purchase. Maybe we could catch a movie sometimes, i told her in a casual silly tone. At this point, i've felt as if i discovered the cure for aids. Regretting not bringing the cell phone to call up 50 of my closest buddy and tell them the secret of valentines day, that all the cashiers on valentines day are trying to score a date with the customers.
It was getting dark and cold outside. I made my last purchase at the department store to buy my mom a bottle of perfume for the holiday. This time it was an old lady in her 60's at the register. May i please have your phone number she asks before she rings up my purchase. My heart literally skips a few beat, with my jaw dropping to floor. I asked her why she needs my phone number in a nervous tones. "We at dillards department store, collect phone numbers for the sole purpose of sending our customers catalog and sales special in the mail", she responds. I gave her my phone number in a depressed voice, as she punches it in the cash register. I felt as if i received a million boxes of chocolate that night, only to find that it has been melted.
when making a purchase, how do you know if the cashiers wants your number for advertising purpose or relationship reasons?
Let's protest and start the civil fat movement, before america sinks below sea level because of people like rosie o donnel. I'm tired of all them fat lards out there, laying around complaining that mcdonald ruined there life. They go out and file some big lawsuit against the restraunt for making them fat, win a few thousand grands. Then blows off the money on a big mac. Share the wealth fatso, you're so lucky getting that reperation check,and having a sexy booty dancer body. Just nod your head once, and your whole body will shake and jiggle in a harmonic motion for the next 2 hours. Chances are you'll be featured on BET, shaking that laffy taffy with Beyonce. Obese-izzle, my nizzle.
The movie "super size me" tried to tame yall Rhinoceracus, instead it had trained teens into thinking they're fat, which eventually transform them into anorexics. I'll be blunt about it, mcdonald is ruining our society! The only way to end a problem is to attack the problem as a whole. Therefore we must attack the employees, customer, and even the hobos collecting change in the mcdonald's playpen.
"my target,local mcdonald drive thru in my town "
To save embarassment of being stuck in the door of mcdonald, most of there customers order through the drive-thru. This is where my plan of attack comes in. Using a walkie talkie, i can set one of the devices next to the microphone and speaker of the drive thru. Hiding in a bush observing the transaction, i can say anything through the other walkie talkie, making the customer think its the employees taking their orders.
"my plan in progress"
I'll show you a little demonstration. lets pretend an asian guy drives in. Employee: Welcome to mcdonald, can i take your order? Customer: Can you hold on a bit, i'm not quite familiar with the menu Me(on walkie talkie): damn chaynks, sorry theres no dog on the menu Customer: ahh hell nah!, me kartate chop you at the next window
This Civil fat movement will be successful because the asian guy wont ever come back, and he'll tell all his fellow chaynks that mcdonald is racist. Also the employee who took his order will get fired as well, once his manager finds out. Once you're done attacking the asians, attack old people, PETA, jamaicans, people with unibrows, and so on. Eventually no one will ever come back to mcdonald, and someone is getting fired everyday. Once i completely destroy mcdonald, i'll turn all the restraunts into a xanga strip club. Free admission to the club for all of my subscribers.
"Ronald mcdonald doesnt care about asian people"
"next time you're at a drive thru, it might be richyard on the other line"
Tagging along with my neighbor to the fitness gym for the past month, sometimes I wonder if I should I bring a bottle of water, or a safari camera along. Seriously, the people that goes there haven't fully developed into humans yet. Undergo Darwins theory of evolution one more time, and maybe I'll be your workout partner.
Aerobic fitness worker AKA "the penguins" These species at the gym likes to reveal their manhood by wearing bright rainbow colors sweat, along with their funky headbands. They are always in the aerobic room together, if I wasn't mistaken, I could have sworn it was a gay fest. Tuning to "cant touch this" by mc hammer, they step up and down off there "power stepper" continuously non stop. Please stop! yall look like fuking penguins doing that exercise. Why the hell would you guys pay 30 bucks for membership fee, when you can do the same exercise with a damn dictionary. For a limited time offer, you guys can come over and workout with my closet door. Open the door, close the door, Repeat for the low price of 30 bucks.
"teehehee, lets go read cosmo girl after this"
Rednecks I'm tired of you guys taking up 3-4 parking spaces with yalls damn trailer RV vehicles at the gym. Me and my neighbor were waiting for these rednecks at the bench press machine, and we both got a good laugh. These guys were benching 1 rep, then immediately run over to the mirror and flexed their biceps. First of all bench pressing works out your chest, not your biceps. Second of all doing 1 rep will not make your muscles any swoller than it was before. On top of looking like an idiot flexing in the mirror, when they use all there strength and tighten there face. Their hill billy gap teeth sticks out. Do me a favor and take your shotguns, and place 2 packs of beer on each side, and start bench pressing with that at your own trailer park, Not at a public gym.
"I wonder why im hated so much at the gyms pool"
People who tell life storys I was running on the treadmill. While I was running, this guy comes up to me and tells me his divorce story. He was from Hong Kong, and told me his wife was in a hostage situation. He explained to me that he shot his wife in the leg, hopeing the person who was capturing her would find her useless and let her go. His wife thought he was part of the crime, and never talked to him again and eventually filed a divorce. As interesting as the story may be, I was trying to concentrate moving forward on the treadmill. Trying to start a conversation with someone while they are in a state of adrenaline is a difinite NO NO. I don't care if you met some girl on the net, or lost your virginity. I'm just trying to finish my sets and workout program and get the hell out of here.
"this explains why you talk to me at the gym. Even your grandma don't give a damn about your life storys"
