June 30, 2005

• Ghetto Asian Business

  Every community are filled with a few of them, if not there's at least one or two. Either, if you're from the hood, the big city, suburban area, or even the trailer park, you know you got one right behind that pizza parlor. In my early years, my community was filled with it, it seems as if these type of buisiness, out numbered queer guys with bright pink shirts. Now in present times, guys with bright pink shirts definitely, out numbers ghetto asian buisiness in the census bureau, at a ratio of 3 to 1. So many of these buisiness are fading away now days, like a shriveled penis caught in a frosty blizzard. Why do some still exist you ask? Simple, I tell you. It's the people that run them, which primarily consist of asians that recently crossed the pacific ocean on there manualed power canoes. After selling all their grasshuts, rice farms, and kegs of beer, before hittin` america. They are left with a huge sum of cash. There are many ways to distinguish a ghetto asian buisiness, below are the ones i've encountered through out my life. Sure some of these store owners, claim they have a buisiness certificate, but trust me I photoshoped it for them.

  Gift shops
  When walking into a well developed private buisiness? One is mostly expected to be greeted with, "Welcome, feel free to look around". But, oh boy, this isnt the same with ghetto asian gift shops, as you open that screeching door. You are greeted with a fobby voice, with a annoying phrase most shoppers are familiar with. Yeap, you guess right again, the notorious phrase is "You break you buy, I break I cry". I cry of horror, everytime I visit one of these shops, no i didnt ever break anything in there. It's just that annoying phrase constantly being repeated, that leave's my body flowing blood from the corner of my ear drums, running down the pinky of my toes.

   

   

   

   

   

   

  SuperMarkets
   If you're Driving down that long narrow road at night, lookin for a market that sells beer on the holiday. For your friend's 4th of July beer blast. You're in luck, most newcomers to the country, are not yet accustomed to the american holidays, so their buisiness will still progress. I suggest you head to a ghetto asian supermarket this upcoming monday for the holiday, just for the heck of it, if you're in need of beer. These type of buisiness are the easiest to spot. So you're still driving down that road, see a flickering store display logo with a store name, most non-asian folks can't pronounce. Make a left turn into the store and go inside. Enjoy your first step inside, because you will be greeted with a stenching smell of fish. If firework is illegal in your city, or you're just too poor to purchase a 25 cent bottle rocket, yet you have enough money to blow it off on beer.Then you're in luck of havin fun tonight, I suggest you go to the live fish section to get some 4th of july action. Once you're there, request a live catfish. Then watch the butcher prepare it for you. First he will grab it out of the tank, water will splash everywhere. Next he will grab his wooden club and knock it out vigourously, the sound of it is similiar to a firecracker exploding. Preceding that, he will pull out his butcher knife and chop it up for you, then throw it in your shopping cart. Requesting a fish, and watching live fireworks. Same concept, water splashes, exploding sound, and the final gasp of awe. Me knowing the viet, chinese, and english language, i've had  many loads of job offers at these supermarket, too bad i ran off before they handed me a job application.

   

   

  Asian Lawyers
  The thought of this species makes my stomach feel unsettled,i think ill grab some pepto-bismo right now, just in case. There has been a unsettled case, my mom tried to get out of the way. So she told me to get a lawyer, a month ago, the week school has ended. I didnt know which lawyer to turn to, so i decided to check out the lawyer 2 blocks down from my house. My first impression of this law genius, was damn this dude is confident. He told me all these testiomonial from his recent clients, and guaranteed me he can win the case. But i had to deposit 50 bucks, and pay the rest once the case is accomplished. He looked like an average attourney, thicked rimmed glasses, shiny shoes that he probally used as a mirror, to look under female's skirt , and a nice sturdy tie. But his office looked like it was obtained from a thrift store, foldable chairs, picnic table, and a old wooden bookcase. I was about to rudely ask him about the furnitures, but my mom stopped me before i even opened my lips. Weeks pass, and he keep telling us, that the paper work is nearly done. Then one afternoon, we got a phone call from him. He told us, he wasnt a a real lawyer and he had alerady left the metroplex. G-willikers i got jipped, this dude was like a 2 dollar whore, cheap, ghetto, and leaves you before you wake up. *sorry mr wong, but you're the first guy i saw on google*

  July 4th: "Party, likes its 1899, because everything was legal back then" or you can go to a fish market and watch that fish splat blood. Or even better, get a AOL promo cd, stick it in the microwave for 10 seconds and watch the vibrant firework, in the comfort of your own kitchen.

  • 4:56 pm
  • 105 Comments